April 28th, 2014


I poured through the day like a wave, filling every second with some essential part of me.
And by the end of it, I felt lighter, as if I had stored and hidden many little pieces under
tea cups in other people's china cabinets. Whatever is lost I don't much need now. Earlier
today I thought, one thing he left me with is a deep strain of judgement and snobbery,
like mica glistening between layers in a rock. I shiver inside when someone uses the wrong
word or the incorrect conjugation or adds an s where there should not be an s... but this
was his weight, not my own, and mica is soft and can be peeled away in layers, and so,
after teaching for 12 hours, after traffic that was so backed up I nearly fell asleep on the
stagnant highway, after being hurt and disillusioned and then also delighted by the world,
I dug my fingers into my core and peeled, layer by layer, the slick pieces of judgement
out. I danced like a person I am not. I smiled into everyone's eyes. I drank a strange
drink and touched people freely, as if there was not a thing separating all of us. And
there isn't. These divisions are not mine and I will no longer abide by them. So, come
to me, even if I have spurned you. I am not who I was this morning, and I never will be
again.


April 23rd, 2014

All the girls on the stage are vibrating with hope. I want to tell them so many
things. First, their awards matter much less than what got them the awards.
That is the only thing that will last, but they must, they MUST, make it last.
They will have many battles to fight to support and affirm and continue that
thing inside them that propelled them here. Second, there is no such thing as
beauty, or rather, it is not so predictable or contained as I used to believe.
Every single girl is lovely in her own way. Some of them only because of their
youth, but even that is a crown, though one made of flowers that will fade.
Some are sharp and their very shape is beauty, and some have both things,
though age will bring it more into focus, but since it is not a static word, beauty,
since it means too many things to mean anything, there's no use worrying over it.
Third, I want to tell them to trust all things always, but especially their own
gut. If it hurts when you lie down next to him, girl, it will always hurt. Some
pain is meant to exist as a warning. These are your nerve endings. Do not try to outgrow them.