May 13th, 2014

I wrap the baby up tight when I go outside so that his father cannot see him when 
he drives by slow.All he sees is a blue blanket. When you are killing an animal, 
if you show emotion the animal will hold on to life for longer. It's true. It feels 
your desire for its life, and it fights. In Puerto Rico you'd get smacked for that. 
These are among the things I learn when I come here to teach. I let Caitlin read
the poem from yesterday about our night, and then I let Eaton read it too. His
face follows every line and embodies its desired emotion. Somehow, this
is exactly what should have happened and what had been ordained from the
beginning of time. We have very little to do with the arrangements. Every dress fits
incorrectly, although it is true that my waist is smaller than before. I didn't
even want to find his eyes. I just wanted to keep mine down and continue
walking slowly towards absolution. That's not how it works though. His smile
and the warmth I feel within it has complicated things. I AM feeling these two 
things at once. That's what makes it complex Brett says, giving voice to my thoughts.