October 31st, 2014

The thing that's really rather remarkable is that I didn't feel the regret
I thought I would when I woke. A steady hum of disappointment
buzzed below my breathing and I felt only sadness for both of us,
all of us, who are less than we are. I scraped the first frost from my
windshield with the edge of a box of chalk - the classroom at the
college has only chalkboards - and watched a car pull up in front
of Josh's house. The driver got out and walked away. My throat burned
in the deep cold and as soon as I could I huddled in the warming air
of my car. I drove to starbucks and got two coffees, one hot and one cold,
because I still don't know what I want in life, and this is a decadence
I can afford. I drive the long way to school, through Elizabeth garden
and the manicured but wild neighborhoods of the west end. The grates
in the road release steam which looks like ghosts of men I've lost. They
appear at first to incline towards my car, but lean away when I draw near.